Crab!

I wake at night to my pans clanging.
"Robbers" I think; grab shotgun hanging
above the bed in which I'd been just laying.
And as I creep into the kitchen
resist an urge to scratch an itch and
strain my ears to hear what they are saying.
But in my kitchen on my shelf
what should I see but fear itself
a giant crablike creature sits there playing.
The sight of it crashes me instantly out of my dreamlike stupor. It's beyond hideous. The thing is deformed; its massive front pincers look to weigh more than all its other limbs combined. Its bulbous armored abdomen lay resting atop my stove, as though to lift itself would be a burden.
Moreover, I am stricken by the size of it; its body is touching all the burners of my stove, and I have serious doubts I could fit the whole thing in the oven.
I stare aghast for another moment. My shotgun, I realize, feels upsettingly inadequate. Yet I dare not drop it - God no, that would be folly.
I stare at this thing as it plays - plays! - with the pots I'd left on the stove. Going to need to wash those again if I make it through the night alive.
I look at its immense forearms again. Those things look mighty enough to sunder coconuts. Coconuts? Now that I think about it, I've heard of these things before. Coconut crabs, I think they're called.
I slink back down the hallway to my office. I start Googling furiously, trying to find some kind of weakness I can use against it. I keep one hand on my gun the whole time.
I come across a humorous kernel: "Coconut crabs mate frequently and quickly on dry land in the period from May to September, especially in July and August. The male and the female fight with each other, and the male turns the female on her back to mate. The whole mating procedure takes about 15 minutes."
I start to think "they're not so different from humans, then," which does nothing to abate my need to glance over my shoulder every fifteen seconds to make sure it isn't following me. Even though I still hear it in the kitchen.
Finally, I find what might be a useful tidbit; what to do if a coconut crab grabs you with its beastly claws: "It may be interesting to know that in such a dilemma a gentle titillation of the under soft parts of the body with any light material will cause the crab to lose its hold."
What.
I'm supposed to tickle it?
I go back to my bedroom and set myself upon the bed. No sleep tonight, either.